July 28th, 2012
Got your letter. Glad you’re a fan. I like your style and I feel like we are kindred spirits. The way you pandered to your customers without actually doing anything to back it up was a real BOSS MOVE! Straight out of my playbook! I’m not going to stop gay people from eating or working at my chicken shacks but I got over 500 restaurants in Florida, Georgia, and Texas combined and we all know that those places ain’t exactly down with dude on dude action. So I do a lil mass communicating saying that “I support the biblical version of marr…..” blah blah blah to fire up the ole fan base. Gets the name out there and sells a few more waffle fries so I can keep my Scrooge McDuck inspired money bin full for swimming. Did you know the Bible says we can’t eat bacon either (fuck that right?!) but that ain’t going to stop me from slapping big heaven on any and everything we sell!
What I ain’t down with is the fact you said you wanted me to “take a hike” outta Philly! First off, 1955 called and it wants its phrase back. Second I aint going nowhere broham and it looks like the people who elected you don’t want me going anywhere either. I gots 34 restaurants within 20 mile of your office. (YOU’RE SURROUNDED!) Why don’t we make a deal? I’ll leave when the city stops collecting rent from my store in PHL and when you propose a resolution that supports gay marriage in the city. Shouldn’t be too hard right? Looks like you like to make resolution or as I like to call it (time wastin legislation masturbation). You made resolutions congratulating the New Orleans Saints on their Super Bowl win but not the WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS? Kind of a dick move if you are from Philly no?
Oh well I enjoyed this little back and forth, good times. But how about next time you just shoot me a text when you got beef (get it? beef? cause I do chicken. right.). I run a company that had 4 billion in profits last year and I don’t have time to open letters. Maybe next time you should spend your 3 month summer vacation making sure Philly’s AVI goes through sometime this decade. (Mic drop)
Dan Cathy, COO, Boss, Super Christian Rich Guy
Ever since Veronica Conrningstone broke the glass ceiling with KVWN San Diego in 1975, women have ascended to the highest reaches of the news industry and while no one denies the depth and professionalism of pioneers like Leslie Stahl, Cokie Roberts, & Joan Lunden, I bet there are very few of us out there (past or present) that would look at those three and be like “Yea I’d hit that.” Growing up in South Jersey this phenomenon extended to the local level. If you were a kid of the 80s or 90s you knew that when Monica Malpass or Lisa Thomas-Laury were on TV that it was serious news time but I can’t remember ever thinking “BOINOINING!” the way I did when Aunt Becky from Full House graced my TV screen.
But that was then and this is now the age of The Kardashians/Sofia Veragra/youporn.com where beautiful women means a chance at bigger ratings and I have great news for all the guys out there (and the ladies secure enough with themselves to admit when they get a she boner): We are in a golden age of local news talent. From home grown prospects to high powered free agents, Philly has enough beautiful local news women (respectful y’all) to fill out a shift at Delihah’s. It’s an easy strategy really. The news sucks, weather sucks, how do we make it suck less? Have women that we enjoy looking at tell us these things that suck! Kate Upton shows up to your front door to tell you that your car got broken into, Lesean McCoy just got traded to Dallas for a 7th round pick, and you’re adopted. Who cares? The words are coming out of this young lady’s perfect mouth:
So take quick trip with us (it’s July and you on the internet you’re not doing work and you’re fooling anyone) as we honor the women that make our stories about corruption easier to handle and our miserable weather a lil sunnier.
The Mold Breaker: Every road needs a Trailblazer and when it comes to hot new women in Philly Cecily Tynan is Clyde Drexler, John Wayne and Chevrolets best-selling SUV all rolled into one. Growing up in South Jersey ACTION NEWS was awesome but to me 99% of that was because of Jim Gardner’s majestic stache and “Dut Dut Dut Dut Dutta Dut Daaa” (You just read that back and sang it in your head. You’re welcome.) but in 2000 when I was a freshmen at Temple (Hoot Hoot) fate intervened. I was fortunate enough to be present while Cecily was doing a piece about using water to measure your body fat. Essentially it involved dunking Cecily underwater while she was in a bathing suit. EUREKA! WHAT THE? HOW THE? THE LADIES ON TV LOOK LIKE THIS UNDER THEIR PANTS SUITS?
Remember back then in the early 00s? There was no “fit” movement. No women jogging in their sports bras. Cecily has been a sexy, toned ray of sunshine standing out in a city that has been ranked one of the unhealthiest in the country year after year. She’s been brining sexy back for almost two decades and is still going strong, she won her age group at the Broad Street run this year and takes weekly boxing classes. (I would let her punch me in the face. Repeatedly.) Even if she’s running, I’ll follow her anywhere and I get winded up going up a flight of stairs.
Mocha Wonder: Having their standard already set ACTION NEWS obviously had an eye for talent when they plucked Melissa Magee off the waiver wire in 2009 after her departure from New York (that’s right SUCK IT New York!). It was a move that would’ve made Rueben proud (if he had the ability to smile these days). Melissa is a tall leggy drink of Smartwater and when she turns to the side while pointing out a warm front, it’s like BAM! A healthy piece of heaven every time she does the 5 day.
Renaissance Woman: Alicia Vitarelli is the Villanova grad chiseled out of 1 piece of solid Italian Marble who came to Action News 2 years ago to round out what is the hottest TV news woman lineup in Philadelphia. Alicia can do it all, she created, hosted and produced 2 TV series titled after nicknames of our childhood friends (“Buck Wild” and “Best Kept Secrets of New Jersey”), co-hosts a cooking show “A Roma Aroma”, was named Italian American woman of the year, and can read good. Is there anything she can’t do?
Essentially she’s Alycia Lane minus the public scandal and embarrassing affair with a married sportscaster. (ZING TO THE ZING!) It is easy to see we got the better Alicia/Alycia.
Way To Good For You: CBS, following ABC’s lead, upped the game when they made this blonde stunner lead co-anchor in 2008. Susan Barnett went to U Del and it shows. Perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect. It’s easy to see how she was Miss Teen Pennsylvania AND Miss Pennsylvania. I picture her in a sorority at U Del but not the fun kind that you see only on pay websites. The kind of sorority that does Thanksgiving can drives and has 80s dress up night. Other girls probably hated her, and with good reason, since she could of pulled their boyfriends away from the beer pong table with one flash of those angelic pearly whites. It’s even kind of sexy knowing that you have no shot with her unless she decided to slum it on the turf of Xfinity Live. You’re welcome for the visual.
The Unicorn: If you don’t know who Colleen Wolfe is then go fuck yourself you are dead to me. When FOX brought her on it was like the Cliff Lee Part 1. Who knew women like this exist? She is a sports reporter but unlike women who pretend to like sports, she is the real deal. Check out her Twitter for proof. Look I love Erin Andrews (maybe not as much as ESPN. ZING!) but she can’t not hold a candle to Colleen in terms of hotness. I can picture Colleen playing flip cup at or eating crab fries. She even went to Wing Bowl, which normally repels hot women like well I really can’t think of anything that hot chicks would be less into. Now a song: “Colleen I don’t know you… and this lazy… but here’s my blog… so can I get free tickets to playoffs game and then take you to a nice steak dinner afterward, maybe?” I no good at music stuff.
The Future/The Franchise/The Asomugha/The Bombshell: Much like Howie Roseman tried to do last year (DON’T JUDGE! DON’T JUDGE!) NBC was not fucking around when they lured top free agent Sheena Parveen Tampa last year (You can see she was destined for greatness when you see her early work:
Great move by them: you want art you go to the Barnes, you want history you go to the Independence Hall, you want bags of douche you go to north jersey and if you want drop dead gorgeous women with exotic looks you head to Florida. (Don’t believe me? Google Miami’s two reigning kingpins of meteorology: Julie Durda & Lissette Gonzalez Go ahead and I’ll meet you back here in 10 minutes.) What’s even crazier is this young lady is the fill-in/weekend girl: Vivian Gonzalez
She has come on like hurricane only joining NBC in December 2011 and has taken the midday and early evening newscasts by storm (PUN!). At this point if you aren’t bumping your lunch break up to 11AM to catch Sheena work then your lunch sucks. She’s got range: I could picture her hosting a pet adoption drive (which she did) or serving me wings at Hooters. NBC is not letting her considerable talent go to waste as they sent her back to her old stomping grounds for spring training to interview the Spastic Wonder Hunter Pence. Judging by the videos below was somewhere between an awkward episode of Blind Date and journalistic perfection.
Either way it just made us love Sheena even more. And as she enters the prime of her career at only 25 or 26 (Google is a bitch sometimes), we can all celebrate another victory over Tampa. ( World Fucking Champions 08’ )
With this list I look forward to years and years of shitty weather, scandals, and shootings.
Honarable Mention: Jillian Mele - NBC10
1.) They indulged in my laziness and took the effort out of tailgating.
I don’t have to buy shit or lug the fucking baggos boards, grill, cooler and girl I’m hoping to sleep with into my car. I got everything right there, games, booze, big booty hoes and big screen TVs. Picture a rap video, but with all Philadelphia fans…and more cursing.
1a) Laziness 2.0.
Nothing is worse than getting a good buzz going and having to exert the energy to get up and go grab a beer. Taps built into the tables is the drunken sister to porn on my iPhone. I want to feel good with as little effort as possible.
3) Decrease in vehicular homicides.
No more getting clipped by the family of four in the SUV while I’m stumbling around K lot looking for girls or an errant baggo bag. If I’m going to get hit by something I want it to be titties…in my face.
4.) SUCK IT McFaddens!
Look I love the place when they opened one in CPB. I sacrificed a Jim Eisenrich jersey to the baseball gods. But not having to constantly worry about spilling my beer because they choose to ignore fire codes on a daily basis is the tits. The place was once Eden. Now it’s a cesspool of dejected Phillies fans and underage West Philly girls that “know” a door guy.
5.) NO LINE FOR CRAB FRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What’s better than missing 2 and a half innings only to be judged by every person that walks by thinking “how fucking fat do you have to be to miss 1/4 of the game for a side dish”? Not doing that. That’s whats better.
6. Putting the old statues from The Spectrum on the premises.
Much respect to what once was and now there are strategically placed posing kiosks. Watch as the girls flock to snap pics of their friends’ heads dangerously close to Dr. J’s baby maker. Made out of stone or not, he’s still the Doctor ; ). Its a classical Philly version of the two head cutouts over cartoon bodies.
7.) Allowing me not to suck.
I’m fucking terrible at baggos. Average when I’m sober but I toss baggos like a blind stroke victim the instant beer touches my lips. But I’m a fucking boss at ping pong, beer pong, and crocheting (tweet me if you want on my Xmas mittens list). Even Hellen Keller and Chad Qualls would have a shot at winning mega Jenga. XFINITY, you allow me to duck the dusting of humiliation I would experience tailgating.
8.) Delilah’s Lite.
So hot girls in very little clothing doing choreographed dances in PBR, petite scantily clad angels hovering above beer tubs and they even make the VIP area very every-man eye accessible where I can leer holes into the waitresses. And when the venue calls for more clothing, they just stuff bigger boobs in those duds. They thought of everything!
9.) Now we’re just getting gratuitous.
PBR is the obvious ace of the XFINITY staff. It’s the Hallady, Lee, Oswaldt, Hamels(?!) of the bar rotation. The fact that every hot girl in attendance wants to ride the sybian/mechanical bull all while I watch from feet away is just priceless. And not American Express priceless, I’m talking free beer and fireworks/4th & 26/”WORLD FUCKING CHAMPIONS! priceless. Only thing better than watching a drunk blonde or an obese cougar ride the bull is staring wide eyed and open jawed at the ass-less chapped waitresses ride it with no hands and all pelvis. Priceless. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umCER5oc42I&feature=youtube_gdata_player
10.) Delicate touches.
How great is the stage? Where else can I see Eddie Money on a Wednesday night? I mean short of going to the Walmart Home & Garden section that he works at during the day. And the artificial turf might as well be a dewy meadow. After 4 Sumnmer Shandys and 2 games of Connect 4, the shoes are off. No problem on the turf! I used to tailgate with some guys that went barefoot in the Jetro Lot. I’ll never forget you Chucky, Big Mike and Little Pete.( Click here to support Hepatitis research: www.hepfi.org). R.I.P. Somehow it was Joe Banner’s fault.
11.) Can you even imagine what fucking Eagles games are going to be like?
12.) Left early to go to XFINTY live.
The Phillies are now 14 games back and with the way this season is going I would rather fuck a hot cup of coffee than sit and watch this parade of shitty relief pitchers that is the ‘12 Phillies. Every loss is more painful and more innovative than the last. Every time I think it cant get any worse…..they make an AT&T call to misfit island and bring in some stroke victim to piss all over the proceedings. I mean Jesus Christ, who the fuck still has AT&T???
But please take a step back from the ledge, loosen the noose and take a deep breath…everything is going to be ok. your pals at Philly with benefits have come up with a way to get you through the 2nd half without ANY murder-suicides. thats right ZERO murder-suicides.
Allow us to introduce you to “The Phillies 2nd Half Salvation Picture Challenge”
Here are the rules
- Tweet a photo to @PhillywBenefits #2ndHalfSalvation of your best debauchery, hilarity, and of course, Smoking Hot Girls
- Pics can be from inside CBP, Xfinity Live, Tailgate Lots or an in-game screen shot from home of something you see on TV.
- Each week we will pick a winner and Tweet out the winner. Each winner will receive their pick of a print from www.TheArtofGiving215.com. A portion of all proceeds go to The Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia(we help! its what we do.)
So please start sending in your pics and make the countdown to Lehigh that must faster. If I break any more remotes Comcast is going to have me committed.
But…….with that being said….and with all due respect….I want to remove the seat from every single bike in the city and shove it the exact spot you are trying to protect.
Lets get one thing straight… the road was made for cars. .When civil engineers, the guys that actually finished more than 7 weeks of community college, design roads it isn’t with you and your wool cap on in June, right pant leg rolled up cutting me off from the bus lane in mind. Same goes for your “cycling” counterparts. News flash, dressing head to toe in brightly colored spandex doesn’t decrease your wind resistance it gives the world a free urology lecture. If I wanted to see sweaty old man gut and ass, I would hang out in the gym locker room.
But I digress….
All I can ask is you try….try to remember you are lower on the food chain in the concrete jungle of Philadelphia…try to act like you’re aware I am surrounded by 2000 lbs of German automotive excellence and you are protected by a flannel shirt and Chuck Taylors…..try to realize that your world of Warcraft invisible shield does not follow you out of your mothers basement/your bedroom….
And I will try…..I will try not to yell obscenities and act like I didn’t see you in my blind spot.